I don’t like cooking for people.
However this past Sunday, after yoga on the beach, God spoke to me through repetitions of chataranga dandasana. Assuming downward facing dog, I felt the blood rush to my head which accelerated an epiphany.
It is time I shared Grandpa Chao’s legacy and cook up a storm that could cease wars, bring world peace and rain to drought stricken lands… Yes… Grandpa was a legendary warrior. He was a pilot in WWII and when he flew his fighter jet, it is said that no one in Taiwan could starve, not even the anorexic.
If I do not share the mastery that is passed through the Chao bloodline, then people will ALWAYS think that I steal grass from Victoria Park in Causeway Bay and boil it for dinner… I must make it a mission to prove them wrong!
As this thought drifted through my mind, I descended from the perfect plank that was angled at exactly 23 degrees before shifting forward and out into upward facing dog. My face was splashed with the blazing colours of the sunset and it was like being hit by the fattest stainless steel skillet ever made by man…Ever! I am bruised by russet twilight.
Then it happened… Poseidon emerged out of the water and stood before me in godly glory. I was like “WOW!?!?! Does anyone else see this?!” I was still in upward dog and the girl on my right seemed COMPLETELY oblivious that there was a freaking Greek god standing before us.
(Okay, I was propped up on four limbs.. You can’t expect me to break a ujjayi breath to take a picture. I borrowed this one from Google!)
“Pssst, do you see him?!?!” I asked right before my Indian yoga instructor shushed at me with her crackling walkie-talkie. I stayed in upward dog as everyone continued through the sequence.
Then it spoke… “I’ve heard you are vegan. I have heard of this… “vegan”… Is it good? Cook it. Tonight, I command!” OMFG IT TALKS!!! AND with an accent from down undahhhh!
I played it cooler than a frosty and was all like… “Pshh… You got to be my boyfriend if I was to cook for you!” (And still in upward dog. My instructor came over again and asked if I was stuck… I must have looked like a spazzing sperm whale staring off into the distance. I didn’t even notice.)
Po (that’s what we’ll call him!) did not respond but stood there on the shore doing his godly thang. His big bad muscles flexin’ and stuff… Po be makin’ manly men look like crickets hopping on moonlight grass.
It was a one way dialogue and I knew I couldn’t get out of it because my mouth was busy stuttering and drooling. So be it, I will cook for the gods!!!
Abruptly, the clever light bulb was flicked on.
“I shall cook for the gods IF the gods cook for me!!” AHAHAHAHAH what will it say to THAT!?
And like a Burger King commercial it boomed:
“Have it your way, mortal!”
We were instantly transported to Mount Olympus (Wan Chai) on golden chariots that flew and wobbled like double-decker buses. Poseidon and I were to cook for his brother Zeus, who was actually blonde and spoke English with a German accent. Awkwardly breaking silence, I asked Zeus if he was taking special observation of Oktoberfest and he thundered: “I AM SWEDE!”
Before I could even get a grip on this trumpets blared and it was on! The games begun as Poseidon hovered over cauldrons of steaming vegetables and I thought to myself, “One day someone will be writing about this!”
Then I proceeded to do what Hades have been trying to do since the beginning of time: Take down Olympus (but with vegan verve) and lentils were my choice of weapons.
“Fit-For-The-Gods” Italian Lentils
1 cup lentils
2 diced carrots
2 diced celery
4 bay leaves
2 cloves of garlic
1 tablespoon of ginger
Cumin, Salt, Paprika, Parsley, Olive Oil
Boil lentils, carrots, celery and bay leaves in 3 cups of water and turn down to simmer for 25 minutes. Sauté garlic, tomatoes, ginger and onion then add a dash of water and turn heat to low and simmer for one minute. Add spices stir and combine with lentils.
The gods ate and were pleased.
Okay, obviously my imagination is skewed. My friend and I went to do yoga on the beach before making dinner for the three of us. BUT honestly… The Greek mythology twist adds an extra zest!